I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
