She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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