remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
