I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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