Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
