He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
