i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
it hurts more in the daytime
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
