guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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