My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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