Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
