Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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