she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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