I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
