guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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