M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
