I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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