Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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