I wish I could teleport
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
