after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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