Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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