I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
