she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So apparently I’m into choking now
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