Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
