And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize