Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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