So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
