We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
