my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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