I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
