WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
