No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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