I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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