I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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