I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Randomize
