dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
