Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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