I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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