You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
