i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
