all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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