i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I looked at my own cervix.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize