How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
