Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
