3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
