omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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