the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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