oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
