plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this beer tastes like vomit already
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
