According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
