i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
