Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
