$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
