I seem to have left my pride at pride
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Randomize
