he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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