They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
40s are totally the cure
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Randomize
