someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
