I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
