I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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