and she was petting her beer can
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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