I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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