someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
