Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
