My hand turned me down
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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