My underwear smells like fireworks.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
