I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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