Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
