Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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