he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
